Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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