Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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