You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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