glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
