i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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