I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
