She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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