I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
