i permit you to call me
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after