I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
