I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I forget how to act sober
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
