What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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