someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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