she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
