Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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