No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
