After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
