4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she told me i tasted like america
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
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That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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