What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
