i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
