He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
