i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
