Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
