So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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