he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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