whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's get the cat blown out
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
