Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
They have beer where we have blood.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
