the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
