Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
