and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
