in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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