seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
