Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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