Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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