i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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