i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
