so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
