My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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