I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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