you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
