Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
