i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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