Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
