What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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