So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
