I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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