I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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