how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
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