How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
