I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I want her autograph on my taint
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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