I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
