a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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