She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
