after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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