I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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