So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
