i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
